A Billion

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion," casually,
think about whether you want the politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases.
a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.
e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government spends it.

Have a nice day.................

Dear Wife

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

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To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

Most Have No Idea Why We Save Daylight

A U.S. federal law says daylight saving time becomes effective at 2 a.m. on the first Sunday of April -- but most Americans have no idea why.

Michael Downing, author of Spring Forward: The Annual Madness of Daylight Saving Time, says he never gave the time change much thought until it occurred to him he had no idea why he was changing the clock, the Boston Globe reported.

'Most Americans think daylight-saving time benefits farmers or saves energy, but farmers have always hated having to get up earlier and energy savings have never been proven,' according to Downing.

'The idea seems to have originated with Benjamin Franklin, who noticed in Paris in 1784 that people slept while the sun was up in during summer mornings, but complained about the cost of candles used at night. He suggested U.S. church bells be rung at sunrise, and if that didn't rise people, a cannon be fired.'

While the U.S. government followed Germany's example in changing the clocks during WWI and WWII, it was unpopular and repealed in peace time.

However, Downing says Wall Street preferred having fewer hours between the markets being open in New York and London and stores found they had more shoppers while it was still light, the Globe reported. The federal government made it official in 1966.

Of course, one negative result annually reported across the nation: the number of people who arrive late for work the Monday morning after the switch.

Standard time resumes in the United States at 2 a.m. the last Sunday in October."

Age Old Solution for Men

What's the difference between girls aged eight,18,28,38,48,58,68 and 78?

At eight you take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 you tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 she tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 you stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 if you take her to bed , that'll be a story.
At 78 What story? Whose bed? Who the hell are you?

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God...."