Smoke Rings

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, 'My daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.'

The second little boy pipes up, 'Well, my dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes.'

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, 'My dad can blow smoke out of his butt.'

'Really, have you seen it?' reply the boys.

The third boy responds, 'No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.....

Gender Bender

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of things, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up...AND...because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed...AND because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Important Emails

Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004. It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!

Because of you:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland

3 Wishes

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

'I will grant you three wishes,' said the Genie. 'But there's a catch.'

'What catch?' he asked.

The genie replied, 'Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for.'

'Well, I can live with that! No problem!' replied the elated man.

'What is your first wish?' asked the Genie.

'Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari,' he said.

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

'Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris,' said the genie. 'Next wish?'

'I'd love a million dollars,' replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

'Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars,' said the genie.

'Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million,' replied the man.

'What is your final wish?' asked the genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, 'Well, you know, I only really need one testicle...'"

Girl's Night Out

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girl's Night
Out, and had too many cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and very near a graveyard, one of them suggested doing
their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she took off her panties
, used them, and threw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't
want to ruin hers, but noticed a large ribbon on a wreath that was on one of
the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home
last night without her panties".

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck
to her ass that said,
" FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".