Alimony

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

DANGEROUS:	SAFER:	SAFEST:	ULTRA SAFE:
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?	CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?	WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?	HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
ARE YOU WEARING THAT?	WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!	WOW! LOOK AT YOU!	HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?	COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?	HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.	HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?	YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.	CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?	HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?	I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.	I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!	HERE, HAVE SOME MORE WINE.

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

7. PARDON MY SOBBING

8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

9. PASS MY SWEATS

10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

11. POOR MEN SUCK

12. PACK MY STUFF

& MY FAVORITE ONE

13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

Still Funny

Nine Dangerous Words Women Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome .

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU! -

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,later meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will result in a man asking "What's wrong ?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

• Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
• Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, they know it's true.

Why men have better friends

Friendship between women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next

morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's

house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew

anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man didn't come home one night. The next

morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The

woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he

had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

Brian Hates Hummers

Game Over

Wife Prank Call Back Fires

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A loving husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."