A pregnant Blonde

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, (You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

Understanting Help Wanted Ads

What we say:Competitive Salary

What we mean: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

What we say:Join our fast-paced team

What we mean: We have no time to train you.

What we say:Casual work atmosphere

What we mean:We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

What we say: Must be deadline oriented

What we mean:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

What we say:Some overtime required

What we mean:Some time each night and some time each weekend.

What we say:Duties will vary

What we mean:Anyone in the office can boss you around.

What we say:Career-minded

What we mean:Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

What we say:No phone calls please

What we mean:We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

What we say:Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience

What we mean:You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

What we say:Requires team leadership skills

What we mean:You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

What we say:Must have good communication skills

What we mean:Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it

Fat Theology

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, 'You want fries with that?'

And Man said, 'Super size them.' And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, 'Try my crispy fresh salad.'

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, 'I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.'

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, 'You're running up the score, Devil.'

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, 'It is good.'

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Ernie's House of Whoop Ass Dot Com

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Bumper Stickers We Missed

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
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2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
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3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
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4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
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5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
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6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
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7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
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8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
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9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
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10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
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11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
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12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying 'No Hard Feelings'.
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13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
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16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
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17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
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18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
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20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
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21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
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24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
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25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
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27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
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28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
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29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit .
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30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
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31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
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32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
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33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
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37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
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38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
[Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
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40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
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41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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42. If Walking Is So Good For You, then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hutt?
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43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
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44. Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.
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45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
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46. Boldly Going Nowhere.
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47. Cat: The Other White Meat.
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48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.
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50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
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51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
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53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
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54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
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55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
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56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
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57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
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58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
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59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
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61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
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63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
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64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
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65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Love, Lust, and Marriage

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When sex is called 'making love'.
LUST: When sex is called 'doing it'.
MARRIAGE: When you can't remember what you used to call it.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: When you like to see each other naked.
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, 'Hi.'
LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE: When your farewell is 'I love you, darling.'
LUST: When your farewell is 'Same time next week?'
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is 'Pick up some toilet paper.'

An Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Son

There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"