Sinned

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

A Beer before it starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

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Jack-O-Lantern

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Jump Bet

"A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The redhead turns to the blonde and says; You know, I bet he'll jump. The blonde replied; Well, I bet he won't. The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, you’re on!

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said! All is fair. Here is your money.

The redhead replies Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. The blonde replies, I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Turpentine

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

90's

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs 'was I getting in or out of the bath?'.

The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells 'was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful.' She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'"