No Limbs

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No', so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said 'No', so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said 'No', She said 'You will be when the tide comes in.

Bouncing on dad!

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, 'Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him.'

His mom is taken by surprise and says. 'Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again.'

The boy says, 'That won't work.'

His mom says, 'Why?'

The boy replies. 'Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!'

Office Space Soundboard

Office Space Soundboard

Wise Man Sayings

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

Smoke Rings

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, 'My daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.'

The second little boy pipes up, 'Well, my dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes.'

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, 'My dad can blow smoke out of his butt.'

'Really, have you seen it?' reply the boys.

The third boy responds, 'No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.....

Gender Bender

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of things, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up...AND...because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed...AND because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Important Emails

Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004. It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!

Because of you:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland

3 Wishes

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

'I will grant you three wishes,' said the Genie. 'But there's a catch.'

'What catch?' he asked.

The genie replied, 'Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for.'

'Well, I can live with that! No problem!' replied the elated man.

'What is your first wish?' asked the Genie.

'Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari,' he said.

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

'Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris,' said the genie. 'Next wish?'

'I'd love a million dollars,' replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

'Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars,' said the genie.

'Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million,' replied the man.

'What is your final wish?' asked the genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, 'Well, you know, I only really need one testicle...'"

Girl's Night Out

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girl's Night
Out, and had too many cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and very near a graveyard, one of them suggested doing
their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she took off her panties
, used them, and threw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't
want to ruin hers, but noticed a large ribbon on a wreath that was on one of
the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home
last night without her panties".

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck
to her ass that said,
" FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".

A Billion

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion," casually,
think about whether you want the politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases.
a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.
e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government spends it.

Have a nice day.................

Dear Wife

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

*******************************************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

Most Have No Idea Why We Save Daylight

A U.S. federal law says daylight saving time becomes effective at 2 a.m. on the first Sunday of April -- but most Americans have no idea why.

Michael Downing, author of Spring Forward: The Annual Madness of Daylight Saving Time, says he never gave the time change much thought until it occurred to him he had no idea why he was changing the clock, the Boston Globe reported.

'Most Americans think daylight-saving time benefits farmers or saves energy, but farmers have always hated having to get up earlier and energy savings have never been proven,' according to Downing.

'The idea seems to have originated with Benjamin Franklin, who noticed in Paris in 1784 that people slept while the sun was up in during summer mornings, but complained about the cost of candles used at night. He suggested U.S. church bells be rung at sunrise, and if that didn't rise people, a cannon be fired.'

While the U.S. government followed Germany's example in changing the clocks during WWI and WWII, it was unpopular and repealed in peace time.

However, Downing says Wall Street preferred having fewer hours between the markets being open in New York and London and stores found they had more shoppers while it was still light, the Globe reported. The federal government made it official in 1966.

Of course, one negative result annually reported across the nation: the number of people who arrive late for work the Monday morning after the switch.

Standard time resumes in the United States at 2 a.m. the last Sunday in October."

Age Old Solution for Men

What's the difference between girls aged eight,18,28,38,48,58,68 and 78?

At eight you take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 you tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 she tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 you stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 if you take her to bed , that'll be a story.
At 78 What story? Whose bed? Who the hell are you?

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God...."