Whit Trash x-Mas

White Trash X-Mas

freeiPods.com - Get a FREE iPod!

freeiPods.com - Get a FREE iPod!: "http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=25443504"

FreePay.com - What is FreePay?

Get a free ipod offer - Annoying, but possibly worth it?

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The offer is legitimate and was featured on CNN.

The company does give out "free" Ipods. You can get a 20GB or one of the mini-ipods. Unfortunately the way it work is very simular to a ponzi scheme. You sign up at the website, and are presented with a selection of offers which you must select one. Then here is the annoying part... you must find five other people to also join. The good news however is that unlike a ponzi scheme you don't have to actually pay for anything... you just have to annoy other people.

I hate bothering folks with deals like this, however a 20 GB ipod is certainly worth annoying a few folks. Also a few of you might be interested in one of the offers and want to sign up for that reason alone. The free Blockbuster trial is worth it as you get two free movie rentals from a local store as well as the handful of movies you get directly. You can cancel prior to the free trial ending and pay nothing.

My Referal Link

Currently listed offers (I chose the Blockbuster one):

Isn't this true? 

The Right Thing

Little Johnny says 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

'Well, you've done the right thing,' says Mommy

'But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'"

Micr'sawft Winders

What would life be like if Microsoft was headquarted in Redmond, Mississippi, instead of Redmond, Washington?

1. Their #1 product would be Micr'sawft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of 'Ahh-right' or ' Naw'
5. Instead of 'Ta-Da!', the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6. The 'Recycling Bin' in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling 'Freebird!'
8. Peripheral products would include a beer tap
9. Powerpoint would be named 'ParPawnt'
10. Interconnectivity would be a goal at a family reunion
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Micr'sawft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grit carts
14. New Shutdown sound: 'Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!'
15. Instead of VP, Micr'sawft big shots would be called 'Cuz'
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old TranS Am
17. Micr'sawft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight simulator upgraded to Tractor Pull Simulator
22. Micr'sawft CEO: Bubba Gates"

Redneck's Hot Date

A redneck goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: 'I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?'

The pharmacist responds: 'A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.'

'TACKS!' the shocked redneck says. 'Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?'"

Chores on the Farm

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, 'Have you done your chores yet?'

'No,' replies the boy, 'but could I have breakfast first?'

'You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs.'

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, 'Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?'

'Well,' says his mother, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage.'

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, 'Should I tell him now, or do you want to?'"

The Blonde TGIF

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blondee already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F' (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T' (letters only).'

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly 'T-G-I-F' another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'

The man answered, 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'

Sinned

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

A Beer before it starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

Internet Coupon and Deals

http://www.geti.com/index.html

Jack-O-Lantern

http://content.gannettonline.com/gns/halloween/pumpkin.html

Jump Bet

"A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The redhead turns to the blonde and says; You know, I bet he'll jump. The blonde replied; Well, I bet he won't. The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, you’re on!

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said! All is fair. Here is your money.

The redhead replies Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. The blonde replies, I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Turpentine

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

90's

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs 'was I getting in or out of the bath?'.

The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells 'was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful.' She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'"

Handy Blonde

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the husband asked!

'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

'And by the way,' the blonde added,

'It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free... If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Toilet-Bathtub Conversation

What did the Bathtub say to the Toilet Bowl?
I may not get as much ass as you do, but I don''t take no sh*t.

Question and Answer

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Moods

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN

Horny.

Adam's New Organs

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news."

''Well, give me the good news first.''

"'I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''

''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''

Breast stroke

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

The Coroner's Office

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken.'

Barracks

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.' This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?' The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't . All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

Monthly Card Game

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

'Darn it woman!' he exclaimed. 'Did you lose everything?

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Women's English:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Should kids witness a birth? A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called '911.' Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!'

HAPPINESS

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Love Lines?

I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Bubba and Junior

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches,"
and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Surveys

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

A pregnant Blonde

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, (You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

Understanting Help Wanted Ads

What we say:Competitive Salary

What we mean: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

What we say:Join our fast-paced team

What we mean: We have no time to train you.

What we say:Casual work atmosphere

What we mean:We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

What we say: Must be deadline oriented

What we mean:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

What we say:Some overtime required

What we mean:Some time each night and some time each weekend.

What we say:Duties will vary

What we mean:Anyone in the office can boss you around.

What we say:Career-minded

What we mean:Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

What we say:No phone calls please

What we mean:We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

What we say:Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience

What we mean:You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

What we say:Requires team leadership skills

What we mean:You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

What we say:Must have good communication skills

What we mean:Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it

Fat Theology

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, 'You want fries with that?'

And Man said, 'Super size them.' And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, 'Try my crispy fresh salad.'

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, 'I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.'

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, 'You're running up the score, Devil.'

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, 'It is good.'

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Ernie's House of Whoop Ass Dot Com

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Bumper Stickers We Missed

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
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2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
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3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
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4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
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5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
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6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
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7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
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8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
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9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
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10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
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11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
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12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying 'No Hard Feelings'.
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13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
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16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
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17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
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18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
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20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
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21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
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24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
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25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
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27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
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28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
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29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit .
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30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
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31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
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32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
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33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
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37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
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38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
[Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
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40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
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41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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42. If Walking Is So Good For You, then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hutt?
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43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
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44. Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.
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45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
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46. Boldly Going Nowhere.
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47. Cat: The Other White Meat.
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48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.
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50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
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51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
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53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
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54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
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55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
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56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
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57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
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58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
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59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
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61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
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63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
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64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
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65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Love, Lust, and Marriage

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When sex is called 'making love'.
LUST: When sex is called 'doing it'.
MARRIAGE: When you can't remember what you used to call it.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: When you like to see each other naked.
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, 'Hi.'
LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE: When your farewell is 'I love you, darling.'
LUST: When your farewell is 'Same time next week?'
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is 'Pick up some toilet paper.'

An Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Son

There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

Code Words

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" words to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Dynamite

This man comes home feeling pretty frisky after partying with his buddies half the night.

He walk's into the bedroom where his wife is still waiting up for him. He take's off all of his clothes and say's 'baby you are looking at 200 pounds of dynamite.'

His wife opens the window and yells 'everybody run for your lives, there's 200 pounds of dynamite in my bedroom and it only has a three inch fuse.'

Med School

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.

Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A Doctor

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

Good Dentist

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to her place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes... how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they have sex. After they are done the gal says, 'You must be a really good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I am a good dentist. How did you figure that out?'

She says, 'I didn't feel a thing!'

Free Mammogram 

Men's Remote Vs. Ladie's Remote 

The Nursing Home Police

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice.

'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said 'Carry on, ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a sizable erection.

Oh, good grief,' cried Ethel, 'not the Breathalyzer again!'

Blonde Jokes

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband asked, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
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What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this
person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy,it's me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde gal decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

from the Golf Course....

This sign is posted at Smoky Mountain Golf Club in Whittier, NC

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done! Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.........
 

No Limbs

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No', so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said 'No', so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said 'No', She said 'You will be when the tide comes in.

Bouncing on dad!

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, 'Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him.'

His mom is taken by surprise and says. 'Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again.'

The boy says, 'That won't work.'

His mom says, 'Why?'

The boy replies. 'Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!'

Office Space Soundboard

Office Space Soundboard

Wise Man Sayings

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

Smoke Rings

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, 'My daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.'

The second little boy pipes up, 'Well, my dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes.'

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, 'My dad can blow smoke out of his butt.'

'Really, have you seen it?' reply the boys.

The third boy responds, 'No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.....

Gender Bender

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of things, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up...AND...because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed...AND because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Important Emails

Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004. It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!

Because of you:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland

3 Wishes

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

'I will grant you three wishes,' said the Genie. 'But there's a catch.'

'What catch?' he asked.

The genie replied, 'Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for.'

'Well, I can live with that! No problem!' replied the elated man.

'What is your first wish?' asked the Genie.

'Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari,' he said.

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

'Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris,' said the genie. 'Next wish?'

'I'd love a million dollars,' replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

'Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars,' said the genie.

'Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million,' replied the man.

'What is your final wish?' asked the genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, 'Well, you know, I only really need one testicle...'"

Girl's Night Out

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girl's Night
Out, and had too many cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and very near a graveyard, one of them suggested doing
their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she took off her panties
, used them, and threw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't
want to ruin hers, but noticed a large ribbon on a wreath that was on one of
the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home
last night without her panties".

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck
to her ass that said,
" FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".

A Billion

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion," casually,
think about whether you want the politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases.
a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.
e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government spends it.

Have a nice day.................

Dear Wife

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

*******************************************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

Most Have No Idea Why We Save Daylight

A U.S. federal law says daylight saving time becomes effective at 2 a.m. on the first Sunday of April -- but most Americans have no idea why.

Michael Downing, author of Spring Forward: The Annual Madness of Daylight Saving Time, says he never gave the time change much thought until it occurred to him he had no idea why he was changing the clock, the Boston Globe reported.

'Most Americans think daylight-saving time benefits farmers or saves energy, but farmers have always hated having to get up earlier and energy savings have never been proven,' according to Downing.

'The idea seems to have originated with Benjamin Franklin, who noticed in Paris in 1784 that people slept while the sun was up in during summer mornings, but complained about the cost of candles used at night. He suggested U.S. church bells be rung at sunrise, and if that didn't rise people, a cannon be fired.'

While the U.S. government followed Germany's example in changing the clocks during WWI and WWII, it was unpopular and repealed in peace time.

However, Downing says Wall Street preferred having fewer hours between the markets being open in New York and London and stores found they had more shoppers while it was still light, the Globe reported. The federal government made it official in 1966.

Of course, one negative result annually reported across the nation: the number of people who arrive late for work the Monday morning after the switch.

Standard time resumes in the United States at 2 a.m. the last Sunday in October."

Age Old Solution for Men

What's the difference between girls aged eight,18,28,38,48,58,68 and 78?

At eight you take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 you tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 she tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 you stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 if you take her to bed , that'll be a story.
At 78 What story? Whose bed? Who the hell are you?

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God...."

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Tool kit for women 

Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, ...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

If Men Vacuumed, He Said/She Said

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q.. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

The three wishes

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.
One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.
All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.
The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted
The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted. Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."

Blonde Driving

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. Ididn't realize you were a cop."

Letter of Resignation

Dear Mr. Boss,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have
a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my
direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the
common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying
harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of
our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little
nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll
into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a
waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to
network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to
provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch
you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and
paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly
simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will
also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to
try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will
be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for
fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about
you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you
actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked
staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring
ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the
blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Since this situation is unlikely to change without you
getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to
tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is
illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you
can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have
friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to
keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it
on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system,
and I know every password you have used for the last five
years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your
"favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me
"back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the
administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of
your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you
were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude.
Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you
really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have
been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of
a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell
check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of
recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of
this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant
obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your
systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do
with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Rim Shots

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for the road."

5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of home.' The doctor replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is that common?" asks the man. Says the doc, "It's Not Unusual."

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He cried, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, which proves that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

The Female Brain 

State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the S
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes. And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family. Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men. and the sheep are scared!

Gynecologists are people too 

Pickup Lines

Warning: only professionals (professional losers, that is) should attempt to use these pickup lines:

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I like every bone in your body, especially mine.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays

If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If you were a car door I would slam you all night long.

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out.

Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna screw?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Can I have fries with that shake!

I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!

I'd look good on you.

When does your centerfold come out.

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

You have nice legs. What time do they open?

Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!

Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

Just Wrong 

Life as a Sperm

Life as a Sperm

3rd Breast

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked
the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast
in her hand," What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man

BoobIcons

Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Mamogram Breasts (_)(_)
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)

Cat Carrier....

For all you cat lovers. This rig really works I tried it on my cat.

Dating vs Marriage .....

Dating vs Marriage .....
When you are dating ... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ... You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating ... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ... He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating ... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ... A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating ... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ... You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy??"

When you are dating ... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ... He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating ... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ... You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating ... Just looking at him makes you feel all"mushy."
When you are married ... When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating ... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ... The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating ... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ... He says "It's your job."

When you are dating ... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ... He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating ... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ... He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating ... He calls you by name.
When you are married ... He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She".

See it doesn't matter how bad you spell

See it doesn't matter how bad you spell

Mapping of the CAT BRAIN 

Giving more than 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Tivo Rules

Tivo rules just waiting for Tivo Version 6.
More Tivo information is here

Funny and not so funny stuff

Yum, this should be some slick beef:
Women convicted of killing abusive husband is lucky to have a woman judge:
Obvious Hotel Discoveries:
“Hey what’s this red light on the webcam connected to the computer I’m steeling?”
A quicker eviction procedure for sure:
Honest Ossifer Im an arteest…
Science has our backs guys:
I never learned this in school… I had to learn it on the weekends in my spare time ;-)

Daytona 500 today

The season has finally started after a two month wait (Wow that was a long time to wait for NASCAR). My driver Mark Martin number 6 Viagra hopefully won't blow an engine this year. We will have to wait and see what happens this year. Track pass is free this year for the 500 so try it out.

Free Tax Software

I just found an article on Yahoo news that the IRS makes it posible to use turbo tax for free as well as various other tax programs. Click here to enter.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog. I hope you will visit often to see what I have to offer. I hope to post information that may interest you but if not oh well. I have a web site that you are welcome to view as well as an FTP site but you will need a password to gain access. I have put together a business web site but no customers as of yet. Enjoy my blog.