Code Words

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" words to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Dynamite

This man comes home feeling pretty frisky after partying with his buddies half the night.

He walk's into the bedroom where his wife is still waiting up for him. He take's off all of his clothes and say's 'baby you are looking at 200 pounds of dynamite.'

His wife opens the window and yells 'everybody run for your lives, there's 200 pounds of dynamite in my bedroom and it only has a three inch fuse.'

Med School

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.

Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A Doctor

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

Good Dentist

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to her place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes... how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they have sex. After they are done the gal says, 'You must be a really good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I am a good dentist. How did you figure that out?'

She says, 'I didn't feel a thing!'

Free Mammogram 

Men's Remote Vs. Ladie's Remote 

The Nursing Home Police

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice.

'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said 'Carry on, ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a sizable erection.

Oh, good grief,' cried Ethel, 'not the Breathalyzer again!'

Blonde Jokes

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband asked, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
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What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this
person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy,it's me!"
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A blonde gal decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

from the Golf Course....

This sign is posted at Smoky Mountain Golf Club in Whittier, NC

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done! Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.........