No Dirty Words

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'"

The $100 Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you Get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, Shaking her head in disdain.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.'
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.'
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, '
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'"

7 Kinds of Sex

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on."