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Bumper Stickers We Missed

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
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2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
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3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
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4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
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5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
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6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
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7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
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8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
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9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
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10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
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11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
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12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying 'No Hard Feelings'.
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13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
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16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
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17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
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18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
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20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
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21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
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24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
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25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
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27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
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28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
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29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit .
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30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
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31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
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32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
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33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
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37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
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38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
[Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
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40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
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41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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42. If Walking Is So Good For You, then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hutt?
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43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
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44. Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.
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45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
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46. Boldly Going Nowhere.
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47. Cat: The Other White Meat.
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48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.
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50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
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51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
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53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
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54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
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55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
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56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
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57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
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58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
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59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
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61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
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63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
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64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
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65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Love, Lust, and Marriage

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When sex is called 'making love'.
LUST: When sex is called 'doing it'.
MARRIAGE: When you can't remember what you used to call it.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: When you like to see each other naked.
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, 'Hi.'
LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE: When your farewell is 'I love you, darling.'
LUST: When your farewell is 'Same time next week?'
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is 'Pick up some toilet paper.'

An Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Son

There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"